Not Available To Me

What is depression?  It’s a loss of hope.  It’s an inability to imagine a good future, improvement, a good outcome.  It’s believing that problem solutions and help, assistance and even forgiveness, are unavailable.  You know what’s unavailable to me, during this crisis?  Almost everything that I reach for.  As soon as I think to head in a certain direction, reach for a tool, grasp some hope, it disappears.

So I’m stuck at home, right?  One of the lucky ones, still getting paid, although I did receive a ~20% pay cut.  Money’s tight.  Air conditioning system is 25+ years old, low on freon, and it’s costing me $350 a month to keep the house at 77 degrees.  Wife wants it colder, and so do I.  But guess what.  You can’t buy R22 freon any more.  Not unless you go on ebay, and even then, you’re taking a chance.  You have to lie about being certified, because only government-approved technicians are supposed to work on air conditioning.  OK.  Fine.  I’ll just get a new system installed.  Got a quote, really satisfied, it’s going to cost a fortune, but they’re going to revamp the whole system, new ducts, new distribution block, everything.  I texted the guy on Sunday, let’s do it.  No response.  Sent a reminder text and email yesterday morning.  Still nothing.  Unavailable to me.

OK so I need to exercise.  Would love to go to the gym.  Guess what.  The gym is closed.  Unavailable to me.  OK, let’s buy a pool for the back yard.  Nope.  All gone.  There’s a worldwide shortage of swimming pools.  Unavailable to me.

Wow, so maybe I need to do something to relax.  Go to the movies.  Nope.  All the movie theaters are closed.  But wait, there’s one open at the mall, and they’re doing all this social distancing stuff, looks safe, we went there last Thursday and we’re still alive, let’s go back!  Nope.  The app is crashing, and that’s the only way to buy tickets.  Has been crashing since yesterday.  Unavailable to me.

Crap.  I can’t take it any more.  I need some chocolate, or some candy, ice cream, a cigarette, anything to just calm me down, take my mind off of this virus and all the rioting.  Nope.  Can’t have any sweets or I’ll have trouble breathing for a week.  Can’t have any milk either, lactose intolerance.  Shouldn’t smoke a cigarette because I’ve got little eyes watching me, bad example, plus it’ll flare up my asthma, make me more disease-susceptible, bad idea all around.  Unavailable to me.

All this stress has got my blood pressure up.  I need to take my medicine now.  Oops, running out of blood pressure pills.  Need a refill to get more.  I order the refill request with my CVS app.  Days later, nothing.  CVS app doesn’t even say there’s a pending prescription.  Do it again.  Get a confirmation email.  Days later, no prescription, no messages.  Call the pharmacy.  Punch in my rx number.  Press 1 for refill, press 2 for call the doctor.  Days later, nothing.  No blood pressure medicine.  Unavailable to me.

I won’t even mention the alcohol.  I’ve been sober for over six years.  No way am I going down that rabbit hole again.  Definitely unavailable to me.

I know what I need.  I need to smoke some meat on my new smoker.  Yeah, get some briskets or something, make some good food.  Nope.  There’s a beef shortage.  Briskets, if you can find them, are doubled in price, and good luck finding prime.  I could do some pork butt maybe, but that also means risking my life wearing a mask at the grocery store to see if they might just have some.  The days of just going to the store & buying what I need are apparently gone.  Unavailable to me.

Let’s not forget that my son’s still getting hate mail and death threats for having an online name that matches the number one world enemy.  Thinking about contacting the FBI so they can log some of the users, may be useful in an investigation, I don’t know.  I’m getting really tired of shouldering all of this on my own.  Thank God the local intermediate school is still vacant.  There’s a little paved area with a big brick wall where I can go hit the crap out of a tennis ball.  I’ve been going there every day.  My wife bought me a smart watch yesterday.  Maybe I’ll go see how high I can get my pulse, maybe force a heart attack or stroke, see if anyone is watching on the security cameras.

I try to end these posts on an up note, but I’m struggling to see a bright side to any of this.  I’m scared to death of those protestors and rioters, and the virus, and the economy, the business downturn.  This is a perfect trifecta of disaster: oil prices crash making my job at risk, killer virus taking over, civil unrest and rioting.  Can’t visit my parents or my grandkids, too risky, can’t hardly go anywhere without risking possible death.  What’s next?  Alien invasion?

May God have mercy on this troubled country.  Jesus guide us in the right path.  Let your peace and forgiveness, grace and truth, spread out over the land and bring wisdom to those in charge.  Rebuke the controlling spirits that are striving towards anarchy, trying to destroy the Christian legacy, bringing chaos and death.  Send angels to right the wrongs and protect the innocent.  May more souls be added to the halls of the saved, may more leaders and workers turn to you in faith.  I know you are in control.  I pray your mercy would guide your providence.  Amen.

-Mark