The Sober Song

The inspiration for this song came from the longest period of cold-turkey alcohol abstinence withdrawal misery of recent history: 26 days!

Sing to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas:

On the first day of sober my body gave to me…
The worst headache of my whole life

On the second day of sober my body gave to me…
Two shaky hands
And the worst headache of my whole life

On the third day of sober my body gave to me…
Three nightmares
Two shaky hands
And the worst headache of my whole life

[you get the idea – here’s the last verse…]

On the twelfth day of sober my body gave to me…
[big breath…]
Twelve prayers for beer
Eleven chest pains
Ten pounds of fat
Nine squares of Chocolate
Eight fruity Rolaids
Seven cups of coffee
Six pack of water

Five panic attacks!

Four flashbacks
Three nighmares
Two shaky hands
And the worst headache of my whole life!

(true story, more or less)

the “I Won’t Grow Up” song

Sing to the tune of Peter Pan

I won’t grow up (I won’t grow up)
I don’t wanna go to school (I don’t wanna go to school)
Just to learn a profession (Just to learn a profession)
Or obey some silly rules (Or obey some silly rules)

I won’t work, or have a job
I’ll just stay at home and live with my mom
Won’t grow up, never grow up, no sir – not me!

I won’t grow up (I won’t grow up)
I’ll just live under a bridge (Live under a bridge)
I’ll break in people’s houses (Break in peoples houses)
And steal food from their fridge (Steal food from their fridge)

I’ll stand on the corner with a cardboard sign
Take their money and go buy some wine
Never grow up, never grow up, no sir – not me!

I won’t grow up (I won’t grow up)
I’ll feed pigeons in the park (Feed pigeons in the park)
Then I’ll pee in the bushes (Pee in the bushes)
And put cans in my cart (And put cans in my cart)

I’ll get drunk and throw up on myself
Mumble and cuss and think I’m someone else
Never grow up, never grow up, no sir – not me!

I won’t grow up (I won’t grow up)
I’ll just live on my own (I’ll just live on my own)
And I’ll freeze to death in winter (Freeze to death in winter)
Or get sick and die alone (and get sick and die alone)

At my funeral there will be one man
Dirty and with a shovel in his hand
Never grow up, never grow up, no sir – Not me!

-by an American parent with teenagers

The money song!

Sing to the tune of the Sound of Music.  I wrote this several years ago when I was just getting used to having a wife, kids, job, responsibilities, bills, etc.

-Mark

Dough, the stuff, I need more of

Raise, the thing I never get

Me, the one, who gets dumped on

Far away I go to work

So, I never see my kids!

La-de-da I’m going nuts!

Tea, the drink I can’t afford!

Because I don’t have enough dough, dough, dough, dough…

Funny one-liners

I have a silly little game on my Iphone called Restaurant Story.  I know, it’s lame, especially for a dude, but I’ve come up with some funny little posts to make.  In case you missed them, here’s a compilation: (my restaurant is called beefnbeer – who doesn’t like beef and beer?) One or two I heard before, but the rest are all original.

-Mark

  • Teacher said it was dain bramage
  • My wife says I never finish anything. I don’t know what she’s talking
  • I ALWAYS have trouble being consistent
  • I told my wife, “I love U! It’s my favorite letter!” and she got mad! Women are just crazy
  • deja vu: the feeling that you have deja vu
  • I used to think girls were nice to each other. Then I saw an episode of The Bachelor. Now I’m scared of ’em…
  • My favorite bumper sticker says HONK if you love Peace and Quiet!
  • I’m not heterosectual; I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body
  • My last post was just a joke. I’m not a lesbian in a man’s body. No offence; just wouldn’t want to be one; I’m afraid of scissors
  • I once gave a speech at a morgue. It was recorded before a dead studio audience
  • My wife says I’m sarcastic. Right. I really want to say one thing and mean another; I want people to thing I’m crazy. Phft!
  • I flunked out of spy school. They told me I had to learn to hold my tongue, but I couldn’t; it’s too slippery
  • Favorite sign: “I HATE being BIPOLAR! It’s AWESOME!”
  • I hate judgemental people. They should all be thrown in jail because they’re all bad!
  • “Hoe-Down” (noun): when a hooker trips & falls – modern Texas dictionary
  • Straw Poll: standard dance equipment in rural strip clubs
  • My wife says I’m nice but a little immature. (Teeheehee! She said “butt”! Hahaha!)
  • I don’t need a degree to be rich; college dropout & I make six figures … wait … do the ones after the decimal point count?
  • My wife said, These new shorts make me look skinny. I said Yeah, too bad it’d just an optical illusion. She almost hit me…
  • Philosophically speaking, if a man says something, and there’s not a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • I recently bought a dolphin because I felt like my life lacked porpoise
  • Someone asked, on a scale of 1-10, how stressful is it with a wife & 4 kids? I said, is AAAAAAHHHH! a number?
  • I hate it when they fly the flags at half-mast. Every time they do that, somebody dies.
  • I didn’t win the lottery.  My wife said you have to buy a ticket – I KNEW there was a catch!
  • I’ve heard computer hackers make alot of money.  I have a computer; now I just need a hammer & a chainsaw.
  • People in dreams never stay dead because the subconscience mind knows: there is no death; have a Good Friday
  • Before I went shopping, my wife said check my BAC. I wasn’t drunk yet, so I got more beer. Thanks Honey! I love you..
  • Happy Easter! Jesus was dead and Satan was happy, then Jesus was alive (!) now Satan is mad. Yay! Let’s eat!
  • I love my Camaro. I named it Kellie, after my wife. Now I can’t yell at her, or I’ll be insulting my car!
  • I tried multi-level-marketing once. I was supposed to enroll all my friends, but neither one would do it!
  • Is it gravity, or does the earth just suck?
  • I know why it’s called “daily grind”. I feel like one of those cocoa beans that’s been plucked, dried, roasted, crushed and scalded!
  • My wife said stop drinking, so I started smoking. Now she says stop smoking. So I did! Sappy Hatuday evrywon!
  • At my funeral, everyone in the 1st row get $20. Back row owes me $5; it’s only way I’ll ever get any money from my brother!
  • “Kids, When I was you age I wore all black, smoked pot and listened to heavy metal.” “Aw, Dad, you’re so old-fashioned!”
  • God, you gotta give us a break. I know you made Adam and Eve perfect, but after centuries of in-breeding, we’re all messed up!
  • I may look young, but I’m just an old fart. I came out of a sumu wrestler in 1978. I’m such a stinker! Been driftin’ ever since…
  • Sometimes I let my wife drive. It’s amazing how the fear of death can improve your prayer life.
  • I don’t have a hangover. I just drank beer last night and now I have a headache and my stomache hurts. Just a coincidence.
  • I’m very loyal.  I’ve had the same mistress for 5 years!
  • I don’t have a drinking problem. In fact, I can’t even REMEMBER the last time I got drunk.
  • I fell on my butt and made love to my wife on Mother’s day. I guess that makes me a badd-ass mother f…..
  • Marriage is all about give & take. She gives me orders & I take them. I give money & she takes it. See? We’re totally equal…
  • Geek-Land: where “Dumping a log” is both common and painless!
  • “Break a leg!” (Step one in the Loan Shark’s Collection Manual)
  • Marriage tip: forgiveness. My wife forgives my many faults, and I forgive he for not having any (which can be VERY annoying!)
  • Fortune cookie: “That wasn’t chicken”
  • Oxy-Moron: two words that should never go together, like “Nice Boss”, “Fun Job” or “Happy Monday”