I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been drinking on and off since I was 18. I’m 46 now. I started drinking heavily when we went to visit my grandparents in Louisiana. The drinking age at the time was 18, so I told my parents I was going for a walk, snuck over to the liquor store and bought several large bottles of Jack Daniel’s & stuffed them in my suitcase. I would hide them in my closet and take a sip every now and then. I drove drunk; wrecked my car once, at the mall, weaving uncontrollably and sliding over the curb at Denny’s, wiping out the sprinkler and my left front wheel.
I’ve had issues with guilt. I think that’s part of the problem. My dad used guilt to control and punish me. School used guilt to control and punish me. I was a straight-A student, valedictorian of my class of 750, until my senior year when I just couldn’t take the pressure any more. I graduated, Mangum Cum Laude, or whatever it’s called – I actually hated the school so much that I skipped the ceremony – and dropped out of college after one semester. I’ve had it with school. I’ve even stopped going to church because they also use guilt to control and punish you. Now I can’t do anything without feeling guilty. My weekends are filled with guilt. I can’t get anything done because I have this huge weight of guilt on me, and the only thing that makes it go away is alcohol.
Several things hit me really hard. After home-schooling both of my children, taking them to church, praying over them, they ended up getting their GED’s and basically floundering. My son spent the $10,000 I gave him, for college, that I’d been saving up for his entire life, at $50 a month when I could barely afford it, on classes that he didn’t finish or a laptop that he lost or partying with friends. He wrecked the car that I got for him, then talked me into co-signing on a brand new car, made one payment, then wrecked that one too. He currently owes me $14,000, over and above the college money, which I will never see. Then my daughter took her turn, doing all sorts of things. She huffed paint, cut herself, attempted suicide, spent a week in a mental institution, and ran away to Mexico with her boyfriend.
The thing that really got to me was cancer. After all the stress of life, plus all the crisis that my kids put me though, when my wife got cancer I freaked out. She’s over it now, got checked the other day and the cancer hasn’t come back, but I just gave up. I don’t want to live any more. I’m much too big of a whimp to kill myself, so I just drink & drink until I pass out. My wife has had to leave the house several times with our other two little boys. I never drink before work, but I go to work hung-over and barely able to think. I have high blood pressure, acid reflux, a hernia, migraine headaches – any stress-related illness, well you name it I got it.
At this point I don’t really care. I’ve tried to quit. Went 26 days cold-turkey once. I tried switching to beer, then malt liquor, then back to whiskey again. Had to switch from Jack Daniels to Jim Beam because it doesn’t upset my stomache as much. And, so far, my liver is fine. My doctor gives me regular blood tests and it always comes back normal, except for my chloresterol, but I take pills for that. In fact, I have a whole basket of vitamins & drugs that I take on a daily basis; probably the only reason the drinking hasn’t killed me yet. My latest thing was to try and use nicotine instead of alcohol. I ordered some electronic cigs online (http://www.v2cigs.com) and I puff away on that, but it doesn’t help very much. I end up drinking whiskey and chasing it down with my coffee-flavored nicotine vapor. Maybe it’s helped a little, I don’t know.
Today, I’m going to try something new. I just ordered the “last call” program (http://www.drinklessnow.com/) which is insanely expensive but looks like it might do the trick. We’ll see I suppose. It’s over $800 but just one DWI would probably cost me that much. I go through one 1.75 liter bottle of whiskey a week, plus a few beers usually, and at $30 a bottle maybe, if this stuff works, it’ll pay for itself.
I have lost so much of my faith in God. I still believe in Him, I still tithe, I still read my Bible on occasion, but going into a huge fancy church with a big “Give money for our new building” banner makes me want to throw up. I did everything I thought was right – I got saved, married the church girl that led me to the Lord, joined a fundamental, Bible-believing church, went on Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesdays, plus any other time they had a special function. I was in the church band, helped out in the nursery, taught a class once. But, the pastor, who officiated at our wedding, ran off with the lady who sang at our wedding, and the piano player divorced my best man, who turned out to be gay. The church finally folded. All of that effort home-schooling, then paying for private Christian school, and I thought my kids got saved, really, truly saved, and I naively thought that the in-dwelling Holy Spirit would keep them from all the typical sins of the teenager. It didn’t; if anything, they were writing down all those sins on a to-do list for later.
I shouldn’t complain. I drank, did drugs, ran away from home, quit school, got a girl pregnant (she had an abortion). If anything, I believe in Karma. I think God forgives me for all of my sins, past, present and future, but my first two kids couldn’t help but repeat the sins of the father; I had it coming. Hopefully, that took care of the Karma, and my two little boys have seen how much their older brother & sister go through, barely scraping by, always needing help, begging for money, maybe they’ll actually make something of themselves & get a decent education or training or SOMETHING so they can support themselves; a career, not a job at fast food joint.
So, we’ll see how this stuff works. My wife has threatened to have an intervention or force me to go to AA or Alanon or even a hospital treatment. I do NOT want to go to some place called Alcoholics Anonymous where you have to tell everyone your name and everything about yourself. Anonymous my ass… I’ll post back after I start taking this junk & let you know how it goes. This will be an honest report; I don’t get anything from these people, I’m not going to post a referral link that would get me a little money; I just need a place to record my experience. Maybe, if it works, then someone else will read this & get help too. But for now, I’m going to TRY and make it at least until 4pm before I drink again. That’d be an improvement for me…
ps I didn’t make it to 4pm. I started drinking when my wife took a nap yesterday at about 2:50 in the afternoon. I don’t remember much about yesterday. This Monday morning, I looked at the bottle and there’s about 3/4 inch left. That bottle was completely full when I bought it on Friday; I don’t know how it happened. “Just a little more. Just a couple of more swallows.” I don’t even get a glass or attempt to mix it – just up-end the jug and guzzle it down, just like a drunk bum. I can’t wait for that stuff to arrive. I’m going to document my experience here; I hope hope hope & pray that this works… Stay tuned…