I passed a major milestone, or so they tell me. Going 90 days without alcohol is supposed to be some big deal. If I was in AA, there’d be a ceremony and everyone would clap and my mom would hug me & my wife & kids would cheer. Hooray for Mark. It’s such wonderful news. Everybody’s happy.
Except for me.
I don’t get it. I’ve struggled against alcohol dependency for so long, and I just dreamed of a day like today, nice weather, no obligations, no hangover, healthy and free to do whatever I want to do. Only, I don’t want to do anything. Nothing. I’m just empty inside. No motivation at all; just sitting around, waiting for bedtime, watching the clock and wondering why God put me here anyway.
I guess it goes back to when my wife got cancer. I stopped everything when she was sick. Nothing seemed important any more. I managed to forced myself to go to work, I paid the bills, and the rest of my energy was consumed with helping her through her surgeries, chemo and radiation. By the time that was all over, I was wiped out, I didn’t want to live any more, or think, or remember, so I stepped up my drinking, washing straight whiskey down my throat every day until I was completely numb.
It’s been over 4 years since I balanced the check book. There’s a pile of paperwork 12 inches high next to the filing cabinet. The workbench has about 7 layers of projects on it. I can just barely motivate myself to do something, and when I’m done, I don’t have anything left in me to clean up or put the tools away. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. Nobody cares. Nobody goes into my office, or the garage. As long as things get fixed when they break and the cars work and I keep getting a paycheck and I’m available (by which I mean, hanging around the house, sober and lucid), everyone is OK. It’s not ideal, but acceptable.
My kids both have iphones now. That was something my wife has been wanting for years, so they could call us whenever they needed to and she wouldn’t have to worry if they were out with friends or something happened at school. Unfortunately, it’s also turned them into zombies. Since drinking was my one and only hobby for a while, now I don’t do anything that I used to: play tennis, upgrade the car, write programs (except at work), play guitar, listen to music. The kids picked up on that, I guess, and since we’re not dragging them to baseball practice or to play tennis or going to a museum, they just spend weeknights and weekends glued to their phones, their video games, or usually both at the same time.
So I’m still the tortured soul that I was before, only now I’m sober and have little to replace the booze with. My poor e-cig gets a workout on a daily basis, my cars get little to no attention, oil & filter changes are always late, I hardly ever wax my baby any more. I did buy a new grill, and I manage to cook some type of meat on it every weekend. That’s about it. Then it’s back to work Monday, just watching the clock, waiting until it’s time to go home, then waiting for bedtime, so I can finally go back to sleep and stop thinking again.
I asked my wife how things have been since I stopped drinking. Her eyes got big and she said Wonderful! It was HORRIBLE when you were drinking, it was like you weren’t even there! It’s so much better now that you’re available to us & the kids. So that’s good. She’s happier, the kids seem more – what’s the word – grounded? Secure? And I have time to do anything that I want to do. If only there was something more to my life, a loftier goal than improving that brisket recipe, something that can inspire me, motivate me, make me into the man that I used to think I was. Some way I can be as fun and intelligent and excited as I thought I was when I was drunk.
I guess it’s a lot like my wife’s cancer. It really tore her down. The chemo left her bald and drained of energy, the surgery scars still bother her, as do the missing lymph nodes in her left arm. But she’s getting better, she’s recovering, and after a couple of years past the last treatment, she’s a different person: energetic, happy, busy. Maybe, for me, it’s just like I finished the chemo. The last round of whiskey shots are done, and now my body just needs to build itself back up again. Like chemo, it kills the cancer, the depression and anxiety, but it weakens the whole body too. And just like cancer, it takes time for the body to build back up again.
One day I’ll make it. One day, like my wife, I will be an alcohol survivor, I’ll decide to just throw away all of those bills, clean off the workbench, and do something meaningful with my life. One day I’ll smile again, have hope, believe in a brighter tomorrow, forget the painful past. One day I will look forward to the sunrise, rather than the sunset.
Update 2/7/14: Things are starting to get better. My shrink put me on Zoloft in order to get me off of the Clonazepam. It’s depressing to be taking so many pills every day, but hopefully I’ll be able to get off of Zoloft & Clonazepam this year some time. I think the Zoloft is working. I hate the side effects, like always being a little bit nervous & constantly noticing that I’ve been sitting on edge or have my shoulders up around my ears. So, I actually caught myself smiling and even laughing. Not often, but it has happened. And of course I still have this infernal ringing in my ears that is driving me absolutely nuts, but that’s going to go away some time, I hope.
Hmmm. I invoked the word “hope” twice. That’s good. I define depression as the absense of hope. So maybe I will get better. I hope I do.